Finnish mom’s secret to raising independent kids: let them take risks and skip homework!

Annabella Daily has no problem letting her elementary-aged schoolchildren schedule their own playdates, skip homework to play outside, or stay home alone. In fact, she encourages it.

“American parents around me tend to care for their children by doing a lot for them and by removing discomforts and obstacles,” this mom from Finland writes for Business Insider. “In the Nordics, parents show care by both letting and pushing their kids to do what they are capable of to prepare them for the world.”

An increasing number of parents and educators are adopting Daily’s approach, exploring self-directed learning to teach children how to take charge of their own education.

“While external factors can certainly help motivate people – who doesn’t like earning a paycheck or getting good grades? – the most meaningful and lasting sources of motivation typically come from within,” writes Joe Anistranski in a recent article for the educational organization NWEA.

“When we explore what fuels and sustains this sense of motivation, we find three main components: autonomy, relatedness, and competence. These are the building blocks of self-directed learning.”

Developing autonomy: ‘Master independence skills’

One of Daily’s strategies to develop autonomy in her children involves morning tasks separate from her own.

“I help my kids master independence skills, like the autonomous morning routine, so I can drink my coffee hot, work out, and get ready – while they get themselves ready,” she writes.

American educator Timothy Walker, in his book Teach Like Finland: 33 Simple Strategies for Joyful Classrooms, found this self-directed approach common among Finnish children.

He noticed his students commuting to school, completing homework, and fixing complex snacks such as fried eggs without adult help or supervision – often before their parents came home.

Additionally, Daily will walk to school with her children in any kind of weather, “rain, shine, snow, or sleet.”

This approach helps youth practice independence and flexibility and is common to Nordic countries, Daily says.

She also refuses to be a typical “helicopter parent,” allowing her children to overtake her on scooters or run around playgrounds while she remains sitting nearby.

But some of her American neighbors find her parenting style disconcerting.

“I often get asked if my kids are indeed mine when I’m only a short distance away or asked to supervise them, even if I can see them but not hover over them.”

Daily’s emphasis on her children’s autonomy contrasts with the “gentle parenting” approach requiring high levels of parental involvement.

By focusing primarily on feelings and failing to set firm boundaries, parents can inadvertently hinder their child’s growth in self-reliance, according to journalist Kelli María Korducki.

“Research recently published in The Journal of Pediatrics found that a decadeslong trend toward high parental involvement – and, specifically, the diminished childhood independence that can result from it – neatly tracked with rising rates of depression and anxiety in children and teens, which have reached a record high,” Korducki wrote for Business Insider.

Developing relatedness: ‘Need for relationships’

Daily also focuses on quality time with her children, which helps her family develop relatedness – the second building block of self-directed learning, according to Anistranski.

By giving her sons priority over her career, Daily turned down “an exciting new job opportunity with fantastic pay” because she was told she would have “no flexibility” in negotiating benefits with her would-be employer.

“Due to the work culture in the U.S., choosing a career requires giving up most of the time with your child, and staying at home requires giving up work interests,” she writes.

“I have decided to consciously create more bandwidth by opting out of many voluntary but culturally encouraged American mom tasks, from participation in school activities during the daytime to scheduling — and attending — countless travel sports and choosing simpler commitments instead.”

Finland’s culture makes it easier for working mothers to include family time with its “37.5-hour workweek, long vacations, and option for part-time schedules,” Daily explains.

“After I became pregnant with our first son, I was shocked to learn how much harder motherhood was in the U.S. and how much more challenging it was to balance work with family compared to the Nordic countries.”

Developing personal connections with children can help them access support and help for their educational needs, Anistranski notes.

“When we draw on this need for relationships, we can find new ways to promote self-directed learning that will happen not in isolation, but in the context of a social and collaborative environment.”

Developing competence: ‘Allowing them to take the lead’

Finally, Daily encourages her children to develop competence through play.

“I also don’t spend much time entertaining my kids, allowing them to take the lead in creating their own fun,” she writes.

By developing this sense of competence, children can gain “a sense of mastery over their learning,” according to Anistranski.

“Students need more than an ultimate goal or endgame. They need continuity between the present and a successful future. To accomplish this, create rubrics to outline criteria for success and, more informally, plan a series of conversations or check-ins to help students focus on progress toward learning targets.”

Both parents and educators need to ensure the task is achievable, yet ambitious enough to challenge their students without overwhelming them.

“If a task is too challenging or advanced, or if they receive negative feedback (or no feedback at all, which can sometimes be even worse), their sense of competence can take a hit.”

To avoid giving assignments too hard or advanced, Anistranski recommends taking time to set clear goals and standards from the beginning, “both for yourself and your students.”

“Make sure every learner understands the assigned task before engaging with it. If you achieve clarity at the outset, you’ll be prepared to let students do their own thing. You could think of it in the context of the backward design process: start with where you want to end, and then plan learning backward from there.”

Ultimately, children thrive when given the opportunity to direct their own learning – which is beneficial for their parents as well, Daily notes.

“I came to the US for the American dream but found something else that led me to thrive: Nordic principles of balance, bandwidth, and autonomy — and the innovative spirit of American moms.”